The Wales Weekend is off!
I have fought my demons for the last couple of days over going to Wales for the weekend and today they won, I was really starting to struggle with the demands that may be put on me, things I would have taken in my stride pre-dep but now find so hard to do.
Those of you who are regulars will be aware that I went to London in April for the weekend but there I knew when I had had enough and just returned to the hotel bar with friends and drank coffee all night and it was a lovely relaxing night.
This time I would have been going with 7 friends of various ages that all love the pub scene.
I felt somehow I might be a burden on them not wanting to be in and out of packed pubs, I even have panic attacks going to the bar if there is more than one person waiting to be served..lol
Don't get me wrong my friends have been wonderful and none of them would have put me under unnecessary pressure but I am very aware of things and people around me now and how I have to preserve me, so that is just what I am doing.
I am going to make the day trip but I know that if I don't want to go pubbing it then I don't have to. I can also sleep if I want too or at least when I need to.
I had a very good session with the therapist today even though this morning I was feeling pretty flat again, trying to run before I can walk is the problem, but then I have always had that problem I set off at 100 mile an hour with everything I do.
It has made me look inside me though and I am now doing the things I want not the things I felt I had to in the past.
I feel quite selfish really but I have to look after me because nobody is going to in the long run.
As you can see it is 1am again, it's getting a popular time for writing this, my head is buzzing and I can't get to sleep so if I write this all down I might nod off hopefully.
I am feeling quite rejected from work today it is 5 weeks since I heard from anyone there, management at least, my sick note does run out on wednesday but my Doctor is holiday and not back until next Thursday so it will have to wait until then.
I suppose for a big organisation I am quite disappointed with the support I have received, if I hadn't took it upon myself to receive counselling at my own cost I am not sure where I would be now, because my therapist has been my saving grace and without her I would still be feeling guilty and blaming myself for everything.
4 comments:
Well, I hope you're asleep now. It's 2:21am and I'm up! I managed about 4 hours sleep I think, and that'll be it for me :(
It's so bloody annoying!
It doesn't really matter whether you go out in the evening or not....the main thing is that you've made the decision NOW rather than worrying about it right up to the last minute.
Taking control...that's what it's all about. I think you're doing really well. xb
Thanks miss as ever, I have defintely got the point that I can do things for me which is good.
The sleeping thing is driving me mad though as you say it's so annoying, there is only so much you can read, watch etc., I have even been known to get up and Iron, how sad is that?? lol
xx
I'm not much of a bar girl either, and here everybody is. I used to feel so bad because I had to tell lies to my friends, oh today I'm tired, I have to wake up early tomorrow.... Now, I tell them the truth, I don't feel like drinking today, and it feels wonderful.
3 years of therapy and counting, by the way. Deep depression and anxiety. Therapy changed my life. Feel free to contact me anytime.
csg
Thanks so much, I used to be the bar girl though thats the shame of it, used to be life and soul of the party now I have a panic attack if there is more than one person at the bar.
Therapy is changing my life defintely.
xx
Post a Comment