Ok I did it!

Yes thats's right I managed the first weekend away by putting my other face on for a while, this is a very strange realisation for me that the face I thought was me for years and years had to be almost painted on to get me through the weekend. It felt very false too to try and make myself look happy and be part of what was going on around me.

It looks like I now have two faces, one which now appears to be a false one and that is what I will call it for now and the other which is the sad one that needs to take time out from everything and everyone.

I suppose this is progress though, because no matter how hard it was for me to put the false face on I did manage it and it was noted by friends that I was alledgedly back to my old self.

It scares me though the false face, it made me realise that the false face has probably always been that without me knowing.

According to my therapist I now need to learn how to combine the false and the sad face and make them into me again, the me that needs to learn how to love herself and not put herself down and think she has to live up to other peoples expectations.

The me who looks in the mirror and sees a big fat ugly person staring back at her at all times. That is the hard bit, I have never loved myself and I have always put myself down, always compared myself to others when I shouldn't have.

I would really like to wake up in the morning and think what a beautiful day it is and go out and grasp it and appreciate everything in it.

I want to love myself and know deep down until I do no one else will either.