Not a bad day

Had the weekly visit to the therapist today and I feel a little better, having dug and dug into my life two things became very apparent today which I haven't thought of before.

The first was at about 8 years old being told by my Grandma that I was too selfish and would always be a spinster because no one would ever want to marry me. That one has stayed with me until this day and as it stands at the moment she is right. I suppose I spent the last 30 odd years trying to prove her wrong. I also held the same womens' hand while she died at 94 years old. I felt I spent all my life trying to prove that woman wrong and she never apologised for it before she died, somehow me holding her hand whilst she died was my way of trying to get a response before she went.

I also told my dad when I was 13 years old that if you went onto a certain ward at a certain hospital you went there to die. A week before my dad died we got a call from the hospital who where transferring him to the above hospital and the above ward. 11 years on and my dad's only thought was that his daughter had told him if you went there you died, sure enough a week later he died on that ward. Apparently I have been blaming myself for that for the last 17 years. The hurt and emotion I felt at realising that I had blamed myself all this time can't be described.

So much for not having feelings of emotion, I found them this afternoon and wept buckets for the dad my sub-conscious felt was my fault he had died.

Welcome back to my feelings and I hope this is the start of my recovery.